all grown up?

"When the colour of the night
and all the smoke for one life
gives way to shakey movements,
improvisational skills,
a forest of whispering speakers
let's swear that we will
get with the times,
in a current heath to stay
let's get friendship right
get life day-to-day
in the forget-yer-skates dream
full of countervailing woes
in diverse-as-ever scenes
proceeding on a need-to-know
in a face so full of meaning
as to almost make it glow"
-- The Tragically Hip, "It's a Good Life if You Don't Weaken'"


So I took today off, as I always do on March 2nd, as a personal day.  They used to be days of mourning, or of deep introspection, but it's been long enough, and I'm centered enough, that that's not always the case any more.  I spent the morning piecing together tidbits of old journals/blogs to start this one, since I traditionally write on this day (or so I thought, before I discovered I was actually very inconsistent about it), and I needed somewhere to put it.

Pouring through my old writings for anything I still felt was of worth was a mixed experience.  I look upon most of my really old stuff as trash.  Granted, it was very honest, sometimes brutally so, and very personal, but it lacked grace and cohesion.  I'd guess there's maybe 5% of it worth repeating, if that.  And that's fine; its purpose was not to enlighten others so much as myself.  My first journal, in particular, was a journey of self-discovery, one I look back on as incredibly worthwhile and which I highly recommend.  I think sometimes that most people go through life without ever actually taking the time to really get to know or understand themselves, or to come to accept themselves for who they are.  That's tragic, really.

I am at peace.

There's no simpler way to put it than that.  I live a life very blessed, and I count those blessings often.  I have a good relationship with a fabulous woman.  I have an adorable step-daughter.  I have good friends and a good family.  I have many fond memories.  I have a good job I enjoy and I think I'm good at it.  I have good coworkers.  We have a good house and plans to buy an even better one a few years down the road, and a good car we bought ourselves for Xmas.  A few days from now, when Liza-Ann and I sign a new mortgage agreement, I'll be about-as-married as I'll likely ever be.  Yes, in many ways it's a stereotypical middle-class existence, shy the dog and the white pickets - though we do have an adorable hamster - but that stereotype is a stereotype for a reason: it's the most common collection of things that people want in their lives.

I look back on the me of ten years ago, and I realize just how much I've changed.  I don't mean simply in my likes or dislikes, or my work ethic or anything like that, but fundamentally, in an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual (and sadly physical) way, just how different I am.  I have little doubt that such change would not have been possible without that initial dive downward into my own psyche, but I'm certainly glad to find myself now in a much happier, better place.

I needed to accept the Yin to get to the Yang.

I hope to write more in the future.  One of the things I've learned about myself in recent years is that I can use my "creature of habit" feature to help overcome my "forgetful" feature, so by making this my homepage on my browser at home, I hope to do just that.

And it won't be all "wow, I love my life" posts either, nor will it be a return to the dreary of an early-30s me.  It will be balanced - like me.  I hope it will also be thought-provoking, because I like to inspire whenever I can.

On that note, the thing I discovered from perusing those old writings that was perhaps the biggest surprise:

I long ago said that I'd discovered things about myself I liked, things I didn't like and would change, and things I didn't like but couldn't change.  I realize now I was wrong about that third bit.  Some of the things about myself which I felt were so ingrained as to never change have changed.  These were things I didn't like but felt helpless about.  I underestimated the power of time and will.  Yes, you aren't likely to go to bed one night and wake up a different person the next day, but when I made that statement I was thinking primarily about the next day.  You can wake up a decade later and be very different, and much happier, and much better.

In the same paradoxical way that Taoism suggests that the leader who cares the least about his troops serves them the best, or who tries the least does the most, so too does working hard on being happier make for so much wasted effort and sorrow.  Back then, I just wanted to be a happier person.  It never occurred to me to try to be a better person.

Becoming a better person is what led me to become a happier person.