ones (excerpts from "nobody panic")

... When I look about at all my friends, and realize how very different they are, I wonder sometimes how the heck I ended up being close to such an odd assortment of people.  I mean, some of them can't even stand each other really, so what is this one unifying quality, this one commonality that I find so precious, that I see in each of them, that draws me to choose them?  I understand what that quality is, you see, but there just aren't words for it.  It's a certain blend of companionship, loyalty, compassion, respect, and so on, that makes them "just right".  I come across certain people and think "he is one" or "she is one".  And I have many good friends I don't think that about.  These are the ones who will always remain in that sort of "second circle".  They will be close, but never that close.  These are people I might spend a great deal of my life and times with, and with whom I may share a very special piece of myself every now and then, but these are still people with whom I cannot share everything and anything.


Only those ones can I give my all.  With ones I feel like I could reveal any thing about myself to them, and they would not judge me for it.  They would not stop loving me, or even lose the tiniest notch of respect for me over it.  As hard as I think, I can find in my mind, in all my life, only 2 or 3 small elements of my life, events of my childhood, that I have been unable to share with one...

... I strongly considered listing the ones here today, but I fear that those close friends of mine not on the list will find it a grave insult, not realizing that I need them in my life as much, just in a different way.  There are some who are obvious, of course, for anyone who reads my journal, such as Geoff.  Some of the others might not even be so obvious as you might think.  The list would surprise a few people.


And even when someone does fit the bill to be one, it doesn't even necessarily mean that I will have that sort of relationship with them.  They have to feel that way about me, for instance.  In fact, I've some close friends with whom I struggle over that, because I feel they could be one if only they could reciprocate that sort of trust with me.  Hard to share all of yourself with someone who doesn't share back.  And not necessarily out of a lack of trust, perhaps just by the nature of their personality.  Nonetheless, it keeps that special connection from happening...


... And I was fearful that in my optimism I might mistake someone as one when they were not.  This is what has broken my heart in the past.  It's earth-shattering to me when I treat someone as one only to wise up later and realize I'd misjudged them in my optimism or desire.  The realization that I've overestimated them is a harsh disappointment, even though it is not really a reflection on their character, just my misinterpretation of it.