one day more for the living

"What I say now with one heart
will be said Tomorrow by thousands of hearts."
[Kahlil Gibran, "The Voice of the Master"]

10 years. A decade. 3652 days.

Today was a beautiful day. It was very sunny, right from the time I woke up, and relatively warm compared to the freezing cold we've been experiencing lately. I suppose, in many ways, cold but bright like that, it was very similar to the morning of Wednesday, March 3, 1993. That's fitting, and not in a cruel way - it felt cruel way back then but it wasn't - in a very real way. Reality can seem harsh and cold, but the truth simply is whatever it is, and we decide for ourselves whether to term it hot or cold. It's ten years later and I'm still spouting Taoist relativism.

I spoke with my sister this morning on the phone, early. We agreed to go out to brunch after she went to mass, and to go out and see a movie tonight. I spent some of the morning playing Everquest and thinking about what I would write here. I did the same between the meal and the film. Now I'm home, typing this and pondering a decision that's been vexing me the past couple of days: whether to let someone drift out of my life, or to keep them as a friend. But that's a little off-topic. I think. In some ways I'd like to see it as somehow connected, I guess, but it really shouldn't be. None of the recent events of my life are. There are no bizarre and interesting coincidences. My life simply is wherever it is. No fantastic lines to be drawn. And after I finish writing this, I'll likely play a bit more Everquest or maybe catch a movie on TV, or perhaps I'll watch some more Band of Brothers on DVD. I'm undecided.

When we spoke, I told Nancy that this day of the year is 'no longer a day of sadness for me, but a day of reflection'. I use this day each year to size up my life and see how different I am, and how far I've "progressed". A lot of people use their birthdays. Some use New Year's. I use March 2nd. I ask myself what I've learned with each year that has passed.

One-third of my life ago.

I've experienced and learned a lot in this past decade.

As always, my brain poured over some of the pertinent factual details today. 6:42pm. Who called? I believe it was Martin. Odd that I'm unclear now on such a simple fact. Not like it's highly relevant, mind you.

Half of me wishes a dozen friends had remembered and phoned to ask. Half of me is glad they didn't. All of me wonders which ones recall. I think Geoff did. He phoned in the middle of the day to just say 'hi'. So did Rod. Perhaps he remembered too. I guess it's not really that important.

I spent my day the way I spend many of my days now. I did very typical things. I didn't do anything truly out of the ordinary. I didn't even go for a long walk and spend a bunch of time alone and reflecting on my life as I've done the past 9 years on this day (only to be distracted by a pretty waitress with nice eyes, if tradition held true). Today, excepting the thinking and this entry, I behaved exactly the way someone who has "got on with their life" should. Because, as much as one reasonably can, I have. That's not something that can be easily explained or understood, but for those of you who do understand, well, sorry about your loss.

I miss her. I don't miss who I have become, and I wouldn't have become who I am if things had gone differently. Whether my "baseline happiness" would be higher or lower if she'd lived longer, or lived still, is hard to say.

Another decade, and it will almost be half my life ago, and soon after, I'll have spent more time on the planet without her than with her.

Thank you, Mom, for the yesterday when we lived and laughed and cried together. Thank you, for the today I spend without you, but with everything I've learned by your life and by your death, by your wisdom and your folly, through good and bad. And thank you, for the Tomorrow into which your living voice echos through me.

I hope your living arrow flies true. You are an excellent marksman.