"I can't do much. But I won't do nothing."
[Daniel Sloss, "X"]
I've stalled writing this for a long, long time. But my hesitation was for the wrong reasons, so at last, here we are.
Telling right from wrong is easy; telling right from right is harder to navigate. Recently, in discussing blood donations with someone online, the idea came up of wanting to take a stance against the poorly-worded homophobic questions they ask weighed against one's desire to do good by giving blood. But thinking on it led me to realize that my challenge with the below hasn't been weighing right against right. Not really. That was an excuse I gave myself.
I've not written as much or said as much in recent years because I understand that the time of the cis-gender white male has passed. Women's voices need to be heard and echoed as much as possible. The microphone is not mine, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm doing my best to learn to listen more and speak less. I'm trying to share things written from other points of view besides that of straight white men. If I've said less - and I have - this needs to be the reason why. This is weighing right against right.
But if I'm being honest, in this case it was more so the fear of the ad hominem that typically follows the expression of feminist ideas by men that gave me pause. On reflection, if name calling is the best my opposition can muster, their position is ridiculously weak. Satyagraha. Bring it on. Shutting up, suffering the slings and arrows, these are little compared to what our counterparts have endured for millennia. It doesn't rise to the level of "plight".
Ergo...
My name is Patrick, and I'm a feminist. And "a Social Justice Warrior". And "a snowflake". And "woke". And virtual-signaling, for sure. Definitely that. So you're welcome to call me all those things but know first that in doing so you won't silence me. I cannot let the fear of such petty accusations silence me. My desire to do what's right should, and in this instance now finally does, weigh more.
So with that out of the way...
There are conversations that need be had, things that need be said, by men and to men, because issues like gender-based violence are not women's-issues-to-be-solved-by-women. If they could have done that, they'd have done that centuries ago. The problems of things like male predatory behaviour are a result of a culture that is largely defined by - and must therefore be corrected by - men. And that means conversations need to happen. I want those conversations to happen.
So I'm here to share with male acquaintances two things that I have found eye-opening in the last year or so, and to challenge them to consume them in the hope it leads to more and better conversations among us. While I hope this inspires men to check into either or both, I'll also do my best not to spoil anything. These two things actually come together nicely in a weird way, forming a sort of one-two punch to the brain: the book helps one to understand what women are facing, the video to start to understand the male role in doing something about it, or rather, to at least get us to start talking about it. I don't have the answers but it's past due we armed ourselves with the questions.
The Book: "Know My Name", by Chanel Miller
This is a brilliant read. Chanel was sexually assaulted by Brock Turner, and after being known in the media as simply "Emily Doe" for a long time, chose to turn to her skills as a writer to tell her story, the whole story, from leading up to the event all through to living with the effects and enduring the trial and its outcome over the course of the years following. You may think that violence, particularly sexual violence, and the injustices around such acts is something with which you are already familiar, but trust me on this: this book answers questions you didn't know you had. You will be introduced to the death-by-a-thousand-cuts experience of indignity that must be endured by survivors of sexual violence and a dozen things you'd probably never even considered. Think you're angry about the (in)justice system now? Don't worry, there's plenty more to be angry about along with plenty more empathy to be had for the survivors over things you didn't even realize happen.
The Comedy Special: "X", by Daniel Sloss
Whatever you think of stand-up Daniel Sloss' comedy, he has a unique ability to tackle delicate subjects in ways that inspire people to think, from disability and death ("Dark", on Netflix) to relationships ("Jigsaw", on Netflix), to toxic masculinity and more ("X", on HBO). I'm not about to spoil it, but I'll just say this: with "X", he touches on things that need talking about by men, to men, and among men. What he said I found very relatable, and while it wasn't exactly 'revelatory' to me, I imagine it may be to many. I feel as though things like 'his conversation with Nigel' is something men need to be able to face and discuss - openly - if we're going to start tackling certain elephants in the room. And every man needs to hear Daniel's 'sad Ted talk'.
I hope to be part of conversations on these topics among men. Such discussions tend to start slowly, one on one, and then in smaller groups. In time, talk gives way to ideas. Ideas give way to action.
I quoted Sloss above, in thinking on the need.
I leave you with Margaret Mead, in thinking on the potential.
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful,
committed, citizens can change the world.
Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
[Margaret Mead]
