Enumeration

"It's not like I'm giving up

I'm just so tired of hurting

and sometimes it's all too much

when every wound takes its toll

I'll just be silently waiting

for death by a thousand cuts"

 ["Death by a Thousand Cuts", Bullet for My Valentine]

the above is fitting but hyperbolic there's nothing to worry about it's just an accounting of sorts besides it's not for you anyway sometimes I don't write for you just for me because I have things I feel I need to remember it's like if there's a last page in the back of a journal where one jots notes down often when I write I just use a particular turn of phrase or odd title a little easter egg that when I see it later I will remember a tiny detail that no one else would notice or be aware of other times rare times it's just for me in its entirety I typed it because I wanted to remember it but I didn't bother to share it I wouldn't even link it publicly except that if I hid the link I'd forget about it this is a waste of time for anyone else because it will make zero sense it's not meant for you seriously go away why are you still reading run along ok Patrick in no particular order road rage sometimes my own but especially that time on barter's hill the great and terrible smencil incident one cutting comment in a tiny airport the never-ending nosebleed nigel's report had three gray areas cuddles to snoring a few last occasions in that tiny basement and the greatest of regrets that time I should have walked away am I truly that anxious no one would believe it even if I explained well two would believe me one because he loves me and one because he truly understands (and loves me) paul michael gary davey davey davey johnny rod so many times should they even count paddy twice raymond ray or was it mike is he really dead fuck him I hope so darren darrel what was his name is he dead too him I could forgive and then maybe I'd forgive myself those two wishes three on one five on one with a last minute reprieve burt but I don't blame him steps of the po po and not much help the mugging the one I didn't show up for chris and scott for unnecessary near misses terry too the banana peel in the tea cup the bath was the first near-drowning before or after that deodorant I get it no need to shout the useless bike light recurring dreams chasing mom ghost in the closet bike on the church cliff brakes on the hill and the one that wasn't mine was it even real damn girl dressed down on the dance floor of the mess and damn well deserved it dressing down in the games room and back bar twice more harsh than necessary failing so many times to really get the gravity for another 25 years the movie poster breakdown naked and wrapped around a garbage can in the middle of the macdonald bridge no less nineteen or twenty give or take fuck the physical scars are the easier ones...  or perhaps they just don't require as much thought you still here I told you to go away don't bother you won't get answers it's not a puzzle to be solved it's just a few of the 1000 tiny cuts