"People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I'm o.k. they look at me kind of strange
Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game"
["Watching the Wheels", John Lennon]
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, or as we call it in our house, "Love Day". Liza-Ann and I don't see it strictly as a "couples thing" and we like to include Dan. In a roundabout way, you could say it was one of the first things Dan taught me, and by his mere presence. Many years ago, must be more than a decade now, we chose not to get a babysitter, but instead take him with us when we went to supper.
We had come to... see past one of the veils we're all presented with when we're young. No more did we wish to embrace that illusion that Hollywood loves to paint for us of the dozens of rose and the people running across the airport into one another's arms, etc. etc.
So our Valentine's Days tend to be a little different. Mostly the same. But a little different. Same fundamental understanding though: an appreciation of the people you love.
And it reminded me of things I'd read before, about the nature of real relationships as opposed to the way they are portrayed in media. When I started reading The Art of Happiness, I remember the author challenging the Dalai Lama as to how a celibate monk could give married couples relationship advice, and the Dalai Lama's response was simple: that all healthy relationships are predicated on the same fundamental principles, things like compassion, honesty, respect, and trust. All the "romantic" ideals were an illusion that inevitably fades, and the marriages (and other relationships that last) are the ones that have those fundamentals, not the ones with the flowers and candy. The flowers wilt. The candy gets eaten. But love, real love... that can be enduring. He wasn't admonishing the questioner. Just suggesting that maybe it would be better - clearer - if he regarded relationships a little different.
Much of what we're taught, all our lives, is like this. We're shown, told, or even sold, a certain version of the world, but realities are always a little messier, a little more complicated, a little different than that. And I think we're a lot better off when we stop white-knuckling on the illusion and allow ourselves a clearer picture of the truth. It's not as glossy or tidy, but it's real. Find the things that are actually important and you'll likely find those things don't change much at all.
We're sold on the idea that our worth is somehow tied to our work productivity, to a point where some brag about the ridiculous number of hours they work in a week. But when you think of all the reasons you love and appreciate those closest in your lives, what they do for a living probably doesn't factor into it. So how is your job where your value is derived, if it's not how you measure theirs? You change jobs and your relationships don't all change, because where you worked was not one of those actually important things. Consumerism drives us to 'keep up with the Joneses' and we're seldom any happier for that either. We get on social media to size up one another's carefully curated 'best of' photos and wonder if everyone is as happy as they seem even after the effort we expended presenting our best sides. Who's to say what 'happy' looks like anyway? Where is your happy? What is actually important for you?
Last night Newfoundland received confirmation we have the B117 variant of Covid-19 here (the "UK strain"). Today, everyone is a bit stressed, a little panicky. Because life is going to be different again for a while. It's the moment we'd all been dreading for some time, knowing we'd had it easy, waiting breathlessly for the other shoe to drop.
But we'll do - as the good doctor keeps repeating - "what needs to be done".
No going out for Valentine's Day dinner. Make one at home or get take out. A little different.
But different is never necessarily cause for panic. Your entire life you've been discovering little bit by little bit that things are a little different from what you were raised to believe. A little bit messier. A little bit more complicated. And you've rolled with it, dealt with it, and often came to realize that the reality is even better.
It's always been the simple things like chatting with friends and family that have brought you happiness. And they still can. It may be sitting around on Zoom or Discord instead of the dining room table for a bit. So be it. It was always about the conversation and not the cards, the friendship and not the football, the boisterous laughs and not the beers.
I've never had a "watch party" but apparently all the cool kids are doing it, which disqualifies me twice but I might give it a whirl at some point regardless.
Relax. Breathe. Find your truths. Discard your illusions. Hold fast.
Almost every Saturday morning for as long as I can remember, I get up and get dressed and go to Tim's and bring back a coffee for when Liza-Ann wakes. This morning, instead, I went downstairs and loaded the coffee maker and made her some toast with jam to go with it.
I'm pretty sure she still knows I love her. I'm pretty sure she still loves me. None of that changed.
Only the coffee was a little different.
I'll try 5 scoops instead of 6 tomorrow; she said it was a little strong.
"Therefore the Master concerns himself
with the depths and not the surface,
with the fruit and not the flower.
He has no will of his own.
He dwells in reality,
and lets all illusions go."
[Tao Te Ching, Lao Tze]
