Appendix A

"do you see the way that tree bends?
does it inspire?
leaning out to catch the sun's rays
a lesson to be applied
are you getting something out of this all encompassing trip?"

[Present Tense, Pearl Jam] 

Nearly 20 years ago, I wrote "my treatise on life", in which I set for myself ten basic rules for living.  It boggles my mind to think it was so long ago.  As I approach that 20 year mark, I've spent some time in recent months wondering how well that advice to myself has served me or what I've learned since that might be worth adding.  I gave thought to what I feel the last 20 years have taught me.

After reflecting, when I consulted the old list, I found just about everything was really only a further addendum or refinement of what's already there.  The advice I wrote myself was sound, and I've done my best to follow the path I set.

So while I'd intended to write a "Version 2", instead it's just an appendix.

My Treatise on Life, Appendix A:  20 Years Later

Pursue Your Own Happiness

You can't carpe all the diems.  You can't.  You simply can't.  I urged watching and rewatching Dead Poets Society until the heart swelled.  While I still think that's a good idea overall... (Note: certain aspects do not hold up and were more a sign of the times.  Don't kiss unconscious people, for example.)... I have also come to realize that, well, life is tiring.  And vacations, as fun as they are, are paid for in the sweat and tears of the mundane day-to-day existence.

So it's important in pursuing your own happiness to dial things in a little; there's no perpetual vacation.  You need to really learn to find joy in the little, simple things.  But before you think that's a sacrifice or disappointment, understand that the reality, when you really take a step back and get to know yourself and give it some real thought, is that when you come to understand where your happiness really comes from, is that it is often sourced in small and inexpensive things:  experiences shared with friends.  Sure, it'd be nice if those conversations would all be over drinks at the swim-up bar in a tropical resort, but when you realize it's the conversation, not the bar, the drinks, or even the sunny day that matters, that happiness is a lot easier to plan and to pursue, and you'll be a lot closer to achieving a day-to-day comfort that isn't exhausting in the acquisition.  Be prepared to order in pizza.  Don't tidy.  Don't plan something elaborate.  Just say "hey, c'mon over" and get together and let the laughter flow.

And yes, sure, still plan that vacation if you can, of course.  But any given Saturday afternoon can be a three hour vacation with a few friends and a movie, or a board game, or a road trip to wherever.  The biggest impediment to that is the gumption to send that text or Email or make that phone call, which means, frankly, the biggest impediment to your happiness may just be you.

Take Responsibility for Your Own Life

I've always voted, but for much of my life I didn't follow politics all that much.  It always felt larger-than-me, as though it wasn't going to affect me and was well beyond my control.  But as I've gotten older I've realized that's not true.  That's not how democracy works.  Democracy is about being engaged.  You determine your level of engagement.  It's not just about the voting booth.  It's about the day to day conversations.  It's about helping others around you to understand the issues and to see your perspective.  I'm not saying get in people's faces.  I'm saying the things that are important to you are worth learning and talking about, and the old expression about 'evil prevails where good people do nothing' applies to your engagement with the world around you.

Martin Niemöller was on to something.

Focus on Solutions and Not on Problems

Be wary of allowing yourself to be surrounded by negative people.  Note I choose the word 'negative', not 'critical' or 'cynical'.  I'm a critical person.  I'm someone who analyzes and overanalyzes.  I'm cynical.  I'm professionally cynical.  I'm actually paid to be cynical at times.  But overall, I view life in a very balanced way.  I find and appreciate the good as well as the bad.  I just do it after more consideration than most.

The difference between 'negative' people and 'cynical' people isn't the thinking or analyzing.  It's not their process.  It's their outcomes.  Cynical people give things a lot of thought, but the outcomes vary.  They are truthful, which means sometimes good and sometimes bad.  By 'negative' people, I mean people who - with or without an analytical process - somehow always manage to focus on only the negative outcomes.  There is an inevitability to their thinking.  The truth doesn't matter, because they are blind to the positives.

If you allow yourself to be surrounded by over-analytical types (like me), you can expect to have the negative - and positive - pointed out.  It may be sometimes uncomfortable, but it ultimately empowers you to make better decisions.  If you allow yourself to be surrounded by genuinely negative people, you can expect to miss out on the good because of those who constantly refocus you onto the bad.

If you are not their therapist, don't appoint yourself the position.  Send them to a real one.

Stop Fearing the Truth

My advice about handling the truth still stands, but the way in which I regard "truth" as a concept has changed considerably.

It's interesting that when it comes to truth, the example of "the sky is blue" is so often used as the most self-evident example that springs to mind, and yet, as I sit here typing this, the last of the predicted 20 cm of snow piling up in my driveway outside, it is quite clearly so demonstrably false.  It's white or gray, I reckon.  For now.

When I was younger, I believed in the notion of objective truths.  Sure, there's a such thing as opinion, but then there are other hard facts.  The earth is round.  Gravity.  I've always understood memory is imperfect, of course, but much like the protagonist in Memento, I've always thought a good many things in life are simple, unalterable, inalienable truths.  These are the things we need to learn and record.

As I've gotten older what I've come to realize is that the number of things that belong in the opinion category but which I'd previously regarded as being in that 'hard fact' category is tremendous.  Indeed, even the hardest and simplest of 'facts' are just best current theory tainted with historical perspectives.  A great many things we learned in school were only ever 'best guess', but classes didn't tend to come with disclaimers.  In some cases, they were grossly over-simplified explanations of complex things taught willingly by teaches who knew they were dumbing it down for our young brains.  In other cases, the teachers didn't know any better than the texts they were referencing.  But even the best, most accurate texts were based on what we knew back then.  Most people grow up never questioning the things they were taught 20 or 30 years ago, even though human knowledge and understanding have advanced considerably in the last 20 or 30 years.  We live our lives making decisions based on outdated information.

I still believe in honesty being the best policy.  I still believe in hiding as little as possible, as seldom as possible, and in confronting the truth, particularly in relationships. 

But I also now realize more and more every day that the world that is, and the world that I thought was, are farther apart than I'd ever imagined possible, and any obsessive pursuit of truth is bound to end in disappointment.

Cultivate Good Relationships

Relationships are not static things. They shift and change and evolve over time.  Cultivating good relationships is an ongoing process.  And most dysfunctional relationships don't necessary start out that way.  If so, they'd be easy to avoid.  Rather, we sometimes start what are good, healthy relationships but for whatever reasons - often the fault of neither - things twist and turn over time, and you find you've grown apart.  Watching close friends drift apart from me over the years has always been painful, but more recently, I've also come to realize it's also quite necessary.  Sometimes you reach a point where that relationship has taught you all it is going to teach you, it has soured, and now it holds nothing but the promise of more bad feelings.  If and when that time comes, if you are wise enough to realize and courageous enough to act, you may find yourself having to part ways with people you long ago assumed you'd be hanging with well after retirement.  It is not just lovers who come and go from our lives, but even the closest of friends too.

If the thought of seeing them makes your teeth grit instead of your heart flutter, it may be time to rethink things.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

One of the best, simplest decisions I made for myself, years ago and with zero fanfare, was to resolve 'where my decimal' lies.  Of all the advice I give here, most of it is that sort of fluffy stuff you might find on motivational posters, but this one is a simple, practical exercise.

Years ago, in an episode of Law and Order, Ben Stone was talking about a rich man who was accustomed to making his problems go away by writing cheques.  I can't recall the exact circumstance or line, but the gist of it was this notion of 'creeping decimalism': the wealthier we are the less concerned we are about where the period goes among the zeroes.

I think this is a decision we should each make, and stick to.  Stop and consider for yourself: where you are right now in life, in terms of your personal financial circumstance, what is the lower-limit beyond which it is really not worth fretting?  A dollar?  Ten?  One hundred?  It's different for everyone, of course, based on what your financial situation is.  But there has to be a lower limit below which it is not worth the stress to even be bothered fretting over.  So don't.  Decide for yourself what that number is, and make a commitment to yourself to simply not give a shit below that number.  From now on, in the supermarket, shopping online, at that flea market, wherever, when you see that shiny thing, you need not needlessly pain yourself over whether to get it or not.  If it's below the line, get it without a thought.

But I'm not suggesting fiscal irresponsibility.  I'm merely suggesting a less-stressful strategy.  Because the corollary is that if it's above that line, then you've already also decided that it's worth fretting over, because it's significantly impactful.  Now you have to weigh the wisdom of this purchase.  I'm saying establish the criteria well in advance, and eliminate the stress of making that decision much of the time.  Re-examine that criteria every few years, or if your financial circumstances change significantly.  Don't waste time standing in the aisles of Dollarama scratching your head wondering what if you already have one at home.  If it turns out you do, give one away to a friend.  (Reduce, re-use, recycle.)

Be Humble

As I got into my late 30s and early 40s, I came face to face with the limits of my body.  No longer would I simply hop up over the knee-wall on the side of the driveway, but knowing I'd likely do something clumsy and injure myself, I'd walk around.  As someone who was active in his youth and fairly coordinated (hockey, drums, Aikido), this was a humbling and difficult experience.

But even that did not prepare me for what the last number of years have brought:  the realization that I cannot, by will alone, make myself do everything I know I should.  For a long time, I thought the will to act was the solution to most problems, and that I had a near-indomitable will.  But my will is not so strong as I thought.  I've found my limits.  I don't eat as well as I should, even if I know better.  I long rolled my eyes at people unable to quit smoking, but yesterday I intentionally didn't buy chips with groceries because I wanted to keep myself from them, only to turn around and get some at the Dollarama a few hours later during another errand when I caved.  There's a bag in the closet five feet away.  I doubt I'll last the morning.

In similar fashion, I've come to realize in the last five or so years just how much of my instincts are (poorly) informed by events of my youth.  And with that realization doesn't come any sort of instant correction.  With that realization comes the pain of realizing I will probably still have that wrong instinct for a long time to come, as I struggle to course correct whenever I catch myself.

In getting to know yourself, find your limits and learn to work within them.  You can't evolve and improve without an understanding of your baseline.

Forget "Fairness" and "Revenge", And Make The World A Better Place

Not everyone is going to like you.  Sometimes, their dislike for you will be unfounded or even irrational, maybe based in things you don't know or couldn't understand, the limits of their sometimes-erroneous, hard-coded instincts.  Learn to cope.

In any given group, no matter the thing that unifies them and their intentions, there will always be assholes.  In fact, to go a step farther, there will always be assholes who fuck it up for the others of that given group, in their intended unified goal, simply be being themselves, assholes.  No group of people is asshole-free.  None.  It's horribly unfair when you realize your sacred support group/book club/gaming session/whatever has allowed an asshole in, and sometimes you're powerless to get them back out.  But this is one of those unfair things in life you need to learn to deal with.

Learn to suffer fools; you'll meet plenty.

Bleed Willingly

The older we get, the more we find people we know dying all around us.  Sometimes it's expected.  Sometimes it's unpredictable and sudden.  I realize how cliche it is to suggest 'tell them in the living years', and I also realize how awkward it can feel and that no one reading this is about to suddenly rush out and go down through the list of people they know and love and tell them all so, least of all me.  I had one of those startling deaths a few months back, it still shocks and confuses me to even think about, and yet, I've still been too shy to speak up as much as I should with the people with whom I should.

But I'm working on it.  And so should you.

So perhaps better advice is simply this, a more optimistic approach:  be less petty and less distracted, and try to focus on the best aspects of the people you know and love, so that you might best appreciate them while you still have them here.  Someday all that will be left is the memories of your shared experiences.  Make as many good memories now as you can.

And Most Important of All:  Be Yourself

Most important of all, fall in love with yourself.  Learn who you are.  Accept who you are.  Enjoy who you are.  Grow.  Evolve.  Become who you choose to be.  Surprise people.  Support them as they learn and change and evolve.

Be someone wonderful and unique.