"Wise people seek solutions,
the ignorant cast blame."
["Tao Te Ching", Lao Tse]
I wasn't sure that I'd write today. I didn't have much to say. There's a post that's been half-formed in my mind for months but I don't have enough there to really sit with it and produce something satisfying. I also considered a sort of "Dear Mom" state-of-the-union type of entry, but given the current state of the world and the current 'in-between' (jobs) state of my life I wasn't sure there was much to say or much I'd want to say. Don't get me wrong; that's not sadness or melancholy talking. I'm in a good place. I continue to count my blessings. Life is good. It's... what word is the verbal equivalent of a shrug with a "meh"? It's whatever that is. It's "I didn't think I had much to talk about."
But since I thought I might write, I figured it wouldn't hurt to log into the editor. Sometimes I do that, even when I don't have a complete idea. Sometimes I start a draft and save it, thinking I might return later and finish it, or hoping that once I start writing I'll organically garden my way to a complete post instead of architecting one. It happens often, particularly about anything emotional rather than logical.
More rarely I log in to find something I've started on in the past but left unfinished, and had completely forgotten. But today I came to find two fragments I could not recall even starting, and on re-reading the starting draft of the first, it resonated with me again, and reminded me of a few recent conversations I've had. One was a conversation with my brother about thinking back on past regrets.
So without further do...
The quote at the top has long been a favorite quote of mine, but some time ago, I came across another (supposedly) Chinese proverb on the subject that, after much reflection, I may now like even more. I'd seen it before many times, but I was never seeing the complete quote, and so I'd misunderstood it. I'd often seen:
He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey.
He who blames himself is halfway there.
I'd taken this as similar to my favorite quote: an admonition against those who have a tendency to find fault in others but not themselves, always eager to lay blame instead of focusing on solutions. Thinking it a repetition of an idea I'd already seen, I preferred the other translation. (To be fair, I've seen the English translation of that passage of the Tao Te Ching in a few different wordings as well, and the intro I presented is one of the most elegant for English speakers, but probably not the most precise literal translation.)
But there was a third line that was being left off each time I'd seen and dismissed it, without which the point changes entirely, leading me to misunderstand.
He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey.
He who blames himself is halfway there.
He who blames no one has arrived.
The point is actually quite different that my favourite passage.
It's not to say there's no point in assessing the root causes of mistakes. You aren't meant to simply ignore cause and effect and skip straight to indifference. That's not the lesson. The point, rather, is that there's a natural process: first is the tendency toward victimhood, then a recognition of one's own guilt and the acceptance of responsibility, and finally, letting go of pain and the dissolution of the need to assign responsibility, leaving only the wisdom of the lesson.
And when one understands that process, and sees it as a natural process, it becomes a template for healing. You can see the healing in yourself, through your mistakes or failed relationships. You can watch - patiently - over the healing in others. When you've acknowledged wrong-doing... when you've accepted responsibility and done what recompense and contrition you can... when you've learned from, changed behaviour, and moved past.... it's time to let go. It's time to appreciate the wisdom that came from making that mistake, correcting it as best one could, and then let it slide. Put down the burden of guilt.
But I do think it must be earned. I love the expression "know better, do better". Do better.
I do believe self-forgiveness has to come only with the knowledge that we've not simply recognized our own measure of responsibility, and that we've made real efforts to rectify it. There was a situation last year where I cautioned someone against what I believed would be a horrible mistake, but which they steadfastedly chose anyway. I fantasized about what I might say if they (inevitably, I thought, but I underestimated their ability to blithely press on) came asking how to apologize to those who'd been wronged.
I think a proper apology requires three things: first, a sincere admission of wrongdoing; second, an attempt to repair whatever damage has been done in whatever means is available; and third, a genuine commitment to do better going forward and not commit that error again.
The first requires humility. The second requires empathy. The third requires self-awareness and a desire for self-improvement (which is essentially just applying the humility and empathy to oneself).
I continuously marvel at how hard apologies are for some people.
No one is perfect, not even you.
Definitely not me.
And one can do much better work in life when one accepts the tools and skills at hand and plans accordingly.
So here's to making mistakes. Apologetically. Newer and more interesting ones.
