Sisyphean Feed

"Addicts of the immediate 

keep us obedient and unaware

Feeding this mutation

this Pavlovian despair"

["Disillusioned", A Perfect Circle]

There is a story in Greek Mythology of a King Sisyphus whose craftiness caused him to be punished by the gods for all eternity by having to roll a tremendous boulder uphill each day, only to have it roll back down just as it reached the peak.

I read an incredibly simple piece of advice a little while back for achieving better overall happiness in your life: don't check the news on waking.  In the modern age of tech, especially for a technophile like me, this "simple" piece of advice has proven anything but.  Try as I may, my desire to be "tuned in" causes me to pick up my phone from my nightstand each morning on waking, and check the news and Facebook before I even get out of bed.

A few days ago I woke to a news story about a certain U of T prof I won't name selling out shows in Seattle.  Today it was an opinion piece saying the Toronto van attack was unrelated to toxic masculinity.  Some days it's about gender-based violence, or trans-rights, or the gender wage gap, or the refusal of a town council to approve something so simple as a rainbow crosswalk.

And when I do, it often starts my day off on the wrong foot.  On the day My Favorite Fuckwit was selling out shows, a close friend shared a news story with me in Email that I didn't even feel prepared to answer, because while his point and the article were (mostly) unrelated to the issue, and innocent enough his bringing it up, when you spend your days and nights being bombarded with these things, well... I've got a hammer and every problem is a nail.

And I'll be the first to admit that the reasons these are what I'm seeing are largely my own.  That I receive these articles, I mean.  That's my fault.  Not the contents of them.

That I get these articles has everything to do with my following certain pages, participating in certain groups, and commenting on or sharing certain kinds of articles and discussions.  Some of it is by necessity; there are areas in which I must continue to educate myself and therefore I must remain "tuned in".  Others are by choice, masochistic as it may be, because they are things I feel passionately about, and areas in which I feel a need to exert my opinion in the hopes of... well, in the hopes of rolling that big boulder uphill, convincing myself that one morning, long from now, I will wake to see it sitting firmly at the top.

That so much of it is disheartening bullshit is because humanity really sucks sometimes, and Humans.  Are.  So.  Slow.  To.  Change.  And I know we don't suck all the time.  And I try to keep a good solid grip on that idea as well.  I've an acquaintance who bombards his wife with images of kittens and other playful animals every day, and I've clicked 'like' on enough of their stuff that it's now a part of my daily Facebook feed as well, and I'm happier for it.  (Because KITTENS!)

There are cultural shifts taking place, and within those cultural shifts, people are traveling at different speeds.  Some of us are doing our best to lead people on this path.  Others are being dragged, kicking and screaming, through the vitriolic contempt of anonymous comment sections into the more enlightened future that awaits.  As frustrating as it is to roll my eyes at the various screens I use in the course of a day and think 'Jeebus, get on the right side of history!', I have to face the reality that some of these old dogs aren't going to be learning new tricks any time soon, if ever in their remaining lifetimes.

And truthfully, "tuning out" is not really an option for me.  I can limit certain things.  I can take breaks.  I can do what I must to manage my "emotional fuel" (or "spoons", or whatever metaphor you prefer).  The genie doesn't go back into the bottle and neither would I want it to.

But the responsibility I have, to myself and to those around me - and I write this today as much a reminder to myself of this as anything else - is to find the patience to help those around me understand what's going on and to help them understand that it is for the betterment of us all.

Because what that friend needed the other day was just a civil conversation about an interesting news article with his buddy, and not the sort of high-strung reaction to which I've become prone of late.

So tomorrow, when I wake, I'll try to take a pause, and catch my breath.

And then I'll meet you at the boulder.

Tomorrow, and every day for the rest of our lives.

"What you win in the immediate battles is... 

is little compared to the effort you put into it, 

but if you see that as a part of this total 
movement to build a new world, 

you know what cathedral you're building
 when you put your stone in."

[Anne Braden]