"all I need to know
is however far away
my corner is
at least I know that you are in it"
["Storm your Little", Pathological Lovers]
Sometimes, when I tell Liza-Ann I love her, she responds by asking "Why?" putting me on the spot to come up with a specific reason at that time. There are a lot of reasons, but the urgent demand to spit one out usually puts me on my heels.
So yesterday I opened up Notepad and started making a list, just rapidly typing things as they came to mind, in no particular order. Not being put on the spot, it was only in a matter of seconds before I had the first twenty, then twenty five, and even now as I sit down to start this, even more come trickling in and the list keeps growing.
So I decided I should share some. Partly, it's because I'm stingy with compliments and I don't tell her as often as I should. Partly, it's because I'm proud of the relationship that we've built and how rewarding and functional it is. Partly, it's because relationships (this one and others) are things I think about a lot, and I think such reflection has given me at least a little insight into what it takes to make a good relationship, and if sharing this helps others to reflect and improve theirs, hey, that'd be a warm thought too.
I won't be providing the full list, because a) it'd be overkill, b) not all of them are appropriate for this forum, and c) it's a fluid document. Others will come to mind over time, I'm sure.
I present them in no particular order.
#27 She Wins Arguments with Me, and with Great Frequency, but #12 Does so Firmly but Politely
This might seem like an odd thing to put on a list of why you love someone. I was raised in a family of people who loved to argue. We argued all the time, both with great passion and dispassion. We seldom backed down. We are became quite good at it. And because we approach debate so readily, with both skill and passion, it's not uncommon to find people reluctant to engage with us.
But I love losing a good argument, because it represents an opportunity for growth. There was something I didn't understand or was mistaken about, and now I've been corrected or informed. Liza-Ann is not afraid of me. She knows sometimes I'm completely full of shit. She has no fear about explaining to me why I'm completely full of shit about a given thing, if she feels I'm completely full of shit about that thing.
She also argues firmly but politely, much as we Constantines try to always do, and that's the only type of debate I like to engage.
#19 Only Some Shared Tastes, #20 Understands the Need for Space
We have some shared tastes in music, in TV shows, and in games. We also have tastes we do not share: video games, Dungeons and Dragons, Holly Hobby, or thrifting. And I think the fact that we have both significant overlap and also significant differences is very important. It means we are empowered to both share time together and have time alone.
Just as importantly, she understands, as I do, that this is key to a good relationship. Kahlil Gibran, in The Prophet described it as "And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
All too often, people enter relationships not understanding the difference between sacrificing or compromising time or views versus sacrificing yourself. It's an important distinction. It's a mistake I made once myself in a horrible, horrible way from which it took some time to recover.
In a good relationship, there are opportunities for evolving, often in responses to the challenges placed before you by one another, but that's not the same as "becoming who they want". One shouldn't become a servant of the other. One shouldn't become "just like" the other. And that means there are things you both enjoy, and there are also times spent apart doing the things you each enjoy that the other does not. You remain two separate selves.... who love sharing time with one another.
#1 She Tolerates Me
I know that I can be sarcastic, arrogant, dismissive, and a whole kaleidoscope of annoying in different ways. Sure, we all have our eccentricities, and we all learn to live with the little annoyances of our partners. But that's just it: it's key to a relationship that we are able to look past these things, I know some of mine are doozies. Some days I'm not sure where she finds that patience, but she does. Nearly thirteen years on, and she still does.
(Learning "let him have some caffeine and wake up first, he's intolerable when he first wakes" was a big help, I'm sure.)
Iwelcome appreciate love rely on that patience.
#9 She's a Great Mom
I had never wanted kids. It was with some trepidation that I came into this relationship, and it was very long time before I felt comfortable wearing the word "parent". But she has always and consistently been such a shining example of good parenting, I could not help but learn from her and come to a much better understanding of it myself. In time, as was inevitable, I came to truly love Dan and to embrace my role in his life, leaving us wondering how we ever naively thought some sort of compartmentalization was possible in the first place.
#26 We Can Conquer the World Together
And for the last one I'll speak to today, one of the most important. She's my partner. Our relationship is not simply one of co-habitation and sex with a division of responsibilities. Our relationship is a partnership. Neither of us confines our thinking to "What is my part?" but rather asks "What is best for us?" And as crazy as it might sound, I think it's entirely possible for people to be in a long term relationship without ever coming to think that way, instead living with one foot perpetually out the door in their mind.
I'm a worrier. It's hard to be as analytical as I am and not be a worrier at times. I work very hard to "leave the woman at the river" as much as I can, but nonetheless, it's easy sometimes for me to get worked up over small things or be unable to set aside some minor issue that's rattling around in my head. But any time I get anxious, really worked up, I remind myself that I have Liza-Ann, and my faith in our partnership heartens me.
I have a very real, very warm sense of "We're in this Together Now".
This might seem like an odd thing to put on a list of why you love someone. I was raised in a family of people who loved to argue. We argued all the time, both with great passion and dispassion. We seldom backed down. We are became quite good at it. And because we approach debate so readily, with both skill and passion, it's not uncommon to find people reluctant to engage with us.
But I love losing a good argument, because it represents an opportunity for growth. There was something I didn't understand or was mistaken about, and now I've been corrected or informed. Liza-Ann is not afraid of me. She knows sometimes I'm completely full of shit. She has no fear about explaining to me why I'm completely full of shit about a given thing, if she feels I'm completely full of shit about that thing.
She also argues firmly but politely, much as we Constantines try to always do, and that's the only type of debate I like to engage.
#19 Only Some Shared Tastes, #20 Understands the Need for Space
We have some shared tastes in music, in TV shows, and in games. We also have tastes we do not share: video games, Dungeons and Dragons, Holly Hobby, or thrifting. And I think the fact that we have both significant overlap and also significant differences is very important. It means we are empowered to both share time together and have time alone.
Just as importantly, she understands, as I do, that this is key to a good relationship. Kahlil Gibran, in The Prophet described it as "And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
All too often, people enter relationships not understanding the difference between sacrificing or compromising time or views versus sacrificing yourself. It's an important distinction. It's a mistake I made once myself in a horrible, horrible way from which it took some time to recover.
In a good relationship, there are opportunities for evolving, often in responses to the challenges placed before you by one another, but that's not the same as "becoming who they want". One shouldn't become a servant of the other. One shouldn't become "just like" the other. And that means there are things you both enjoy, and there are also times spent apart doing the things you each enjoy that the other does not. You remain two separate selves.... who love sharing time with one another.
#1 She Tolerates Me
I know that I can be sarcastic, arrogant, dismissive, and a whole kaleidoscope of annoying in different ways. Sure, we all have our eccentricities, and we all learn to live with the little annoyances of our partners. But that's just it: it's key to a relationship that we are able to look past these things, I know some of mine are doozies. Some days I'm not sure where she finds that patience, but she does. Nearly thirteen years on, and she still does.
(Learning "let him have some caffeine and wake up first, he's intolerable when he first wakes" was a big help, I'm sure.)
I
#9 She's a Great Mom
I had never wanted kids. It was with some trepidation that I came into this relationship, and it was very long time before I felt comfortable wearing the word "parent". But she has always and consistently been such a shining example of good parenting, I could not help but learn from her and come to a much better understanding of it myself. In time, as was inevitable, I came to truly love Dan and to embrace my role in his life, leaving us wondering how we ever naively thought some sort of compartmentalization was possible in the first place.
#26 We Can Conquer the World Together
And for the last one I'll speak to today, one of the most important. She's my partner. Our relationship is not simply one of co-habitation and sex with a division of responsibilities. Our relationship is a partnership. Neither of us confines our thinking to "What is my part?" but rather asks "What is best for us?" And as crazy as it might sound, I think it's entirely possible for people to be in a long term relationship without ever coming to think that way, instead living with one foot perpetually out the door in their mind.
I'm a worrier. It's hard to be as analytical as I am and not be a worrier at times. I work very hard to "leave the woman at the river" as much as I can, but nonetheless, it's easy sometimes for me to get worked up over small things or be unable to set aside some minor issue that's rattling around in my head. But any time I get anxious, really worked up, I remind myself that I have Liza-Ann, and my faith in our partnership heartens me.
I have a very real, very warm sense of "We're in this Together Now".
