v45

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function
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"The test of a first-rate intelligence 

is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind

 at the same time and still retain the ability to function."

[F. Scott Fitzgerald]

Yes, I realize the quote is a bit self-aggrandizing, but then, this one is me writing about myself, so it comes with the territory.  Additionally, it fits the theme of today's ramble.

So every now and then I like to do a "v" post, where I take a look at myself, and how I think I've changed as a person.

Looking back to v42 and taking stock:

I continue to feel every day that my own body betrays me.  I'm starting to take slightly better care of it in some ways, but really falling down in others.  I need to improve.  I don't have the willpower I prided myself on when I was younger.  Not sure if I've lost it or if I've just stopped lying to myself about having it in the first place.

I've gotten a little better at "leaving the woman at the river" with regards to work-stress, but not by much.

I'm a little better about the sarcastic prick knee-jerk responses, but not by much.  I'm still working on that one too.

I'm getting better at controlling and focusing my addictions in a more positive way: spending my time working toward hobbies and projects that lead to more happy interactions with others (e.g. writing D&D stuff and crafting), and less on purely solitary "wheel-spinning" (i.e. video games).  There are still some tweaks to be made to the scheduling.

I continue to learn about being a good parent.  I'd like to think I've improved considerably there.  Liza-Ann is a phenomenal example and instructor.  She's always given rise to my becoming a better person (and to appreciate myself for the person I already am), but watching her with Dan continues to become more and more heart-warming and inspiring.

And this past year has caused me to open my mind further, to a world of more and more fascinating people with all sorts of atypical life experiences.  I've enjoyed that immensely.  I can't even describe it.  My god, it's full of stars.  I've also had some excellent examples and instructors there.  I count Dan among them.  In the past 6 months, he has been the impetus behind a period of rapid evolution in who I am as a person, for the better.  At my age that's... unexpected, and very welcome.  I felt like I'm wandering into uncharted territory, and my fear is finally being overcome by a curiosity and spirit of adventure.

I find it thrilling in a way, to break down old ways of thinking, to embrace paradoxes, to think "outside the box".  These are things that have always fascinated me.

Some time ago, I wrote about the need to discover ways to explain to a paradox to a (then) 11-year old, though I may not have gone into why.  As a Taoist, I believe much truth lies in paradox.  I also believe almost nothing is ever 100%.  All things lie on a relative spectrum.  For those familiar with the Taijita ("yin-yang symbol"), this is the reason for the small dots, and why it's not simply a circle split in half.

I embrace paradox, and over the last few years I've come to find the truth most often lies within them.  For example, at work, I adamantly insist things be documented.  I also profess to believe that said documentation will almost always go completely unread.  At first glance, the idea of me endorsing the creation of a work product that will go completely unused seems contradictory.  But you see, I believe the value lies in the creation of the documentation, not the documentation itself.  With this, as often in life, there are many positive results that come about from the journey, not the destination.

I am a perfectionist and a completionist, but I leaves things just a touch less than perfect and never quite complete.  I don't believe there really is such a thing as "perfect" and "finished", they're just laudable goals that give you something to strive for.  ("Fish cannot live in pure water" is the proverb that goes through my mind.)

I like to think I try to live a relatively simple life, but I know I can be a complicated person at times.  And honestly, I'm not sure which of those two others regard me as.  It probably depends as much on the context of how they know me as anything else.  I consider myself very intelligent, yet I don't believe I'm a good judge of character.  In fact, I think quite the opposite.  As a judge of how others see me, I fail even more.  It is almost as if in becoming so keenly self-aware, I've stopped paying enough attention to what others are saying.

Speaking of Taoism, I may be both the least and most religious person you know.  How is that possible?

There, at the top of the page, my personal mantra.  This is my religion.  Every day.

I don't go to a church or mosque or other house of worship.  Indeed, I don't worship.  I don't pray (in a fashion you recognize).  I don't meditate (that you've seen).  I have no traditions or ceremonies.  I eschew all the trappings of ritualized or institutionalized religion and regularly rail against many of them.  I openly state I don't believe in (an anthropomorphic) god.  I seriously doubt anyone who knows me would ever use the word "religious" to describe me.

On the other hand,my internal dialogue, each and every day, the thing that guides every important waking choice or action is itself rooted in my belief in Taoism and the lessons of the Tao Te Ching.  My quoting a "chinese proverb" out loud happens every few days, as I'm sure my coworkers would tell you, but internally, it happens almost hourly.  The way in which I approach every situation, solve every problem, attempt to calm myself in times of trouble or rouse myself when a call to action is necessary, is deeply ingrained in a mental self-discipline.  To call it "faith" might be misleading, but to call it "philosophy" should equally fall short.  Clearly it is codified behaviour, and the fact that it is so internalized makes it difficult to observe but nonetheless true.  If you listened carefully, you would begin to realize I'm repeating the same mantras, the same lessons, time and time again, and it would become apparent that I'm closely following a set of guidelines.  I have five tattoos.  Four are Taoism-related.

But you wouldn't call me "religious" would you?  Seldom would I.  And those you would describe that way are quite possibly those who embrace the trappings and the rituals but whose behaviour is decidedly not codified by the precepts they claim to hold dear.  (We've all heard the Gandhi quote about Christians.)

Food for thought.  Moving on.

The past year or so I've been giving a lot of thought to my ability to give and receive compliments and criticism.  I enjoy and appreciate compliments, but my natural skepticism leads me to often sweep them aside or ignore them.  I would like to pay more compliments, but my (incorrect) default assumption that others are as skeptical as me leads me to believe they'd be perceived as disingenuous or dual-purposed so I don't dare to make many.  For every one that passes my lips there are probably another nine that don't escape my mind for this and other reasons.  I'm working on that.  I'm trying to get better at it.  I feels like a lost art.  It's... strangely powerful, provided it's genuine.

Which reminds me:  I've been writing more of late, which is something I've wanted to get back to for a long, long time, but I did not (for boring and/or obvious reasons I will spare you).  To retrieve one of those "pins" from a previous blog:  I have a twisted relationship with my blog.  I write mostly from a need to express myself and share my ideas, but my choice to express these ideas in this fashion often leads to very little discussion about them.  Sometimes I share them because I want to discuss them.  As often, I want to share them and not discuss them further.  There is no easy way to tell which is which as a reader.  (Sorry.)  I'm seldom approached by anyone wanting to discuss what I write.  Perhaps I come across as unapproachable about some of it, or perhaps it seems like I've said all I have to say and there's little point in bringing it up.  I enjoy the writing and do think I'm good at it; I don't feel ready to ever try it professionally because I fear both that I'm not that good and that if I were, it would suck the enjoyment out of it in the transition from hobby to occupation.  I enjoy compliments about it; I hate that I enjoy those compliments.  Humility is important to me and I don't want to seek the approval of others.  I consider requiring the approval of others a character flaw and do everything I can do avoid it.  This is why I seldom actually link my blog on Facebook.  I want praise but hate myself for wanting it.  I want the criticism (so I can improve) but fear the bitter sting of receiving it.  And until I get over those, they remain two very good reasons to never take it a step farther.  Or maybe I'm just rationalizing a fear of failure, which I would equally detest if it is true.

And it probably is.

But it doesn't mean the various excuses aren't also true.  Taijita, remember?  Nothing is 100% anything.

Finally, this is the part where you reach the end of the entry and I always come full circle and hit you with the all-important "mind splinter" I've been carefully spiraling towards.

Well, almost always.  (Fish...)