[Originally drafted but never published: early June 2016]
"Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is what happens to you,
While you're busy making other plans"
As any parent of a young child knows, as that child grows you find yourself in a steady state of trepidation about what waits for them out in the world. Shelter them as you will, some day the world will come knocking, and the wolves at the door can only be held at bay for so long. You do what you can to let it in slowly, a little at a time, and to prepare them as best you can for it.
Cry fair or cry foul, call me sexist or realist, but in this reader's humble experience, many of the sorts of fears you hold for what awaits your child are rooted in gender.
Raising a young girl, you worry about her being a victim more than a perpetrator, particularly when it comes to things like physical aggression or unwanted sexual encounters. Sure, she'll probably break a few hearts along the way, but the thought of your daughter or step-daughter sexually assaulting someone isn't something that creeps into your mind from the blackest depths of the cripes-please-no abyss. Rather, you live in the fear of things happening to her. For a guy still getting over the Smencil it can be quite staggering if you let yourself dwell.
Raising a young boy, on the other hand, is a little different. You undoubtedly realize the probability of school-yard fights is higher, and while keeping him safe from pedophiles is still just as real a stomach-churning worry, you don't really consider much the chance a young boy or girl his own age will gift him an unwanted sexual episode. Instead, from the blackest depths comes he wouldn't, right? Of course not. He couldn't possibly be the harasser or physical aggressor! But then, I'm sure that other kid's parents think that too... Or do they? Wait. Are all the some-day sexual predators just children of delinquent parents, or are some from good parents who simply slipped when it came to properly guiding and counseling their otherwise normal-but-hormone-driven young man?
Being a feminist, I'm fully in agreement with the notion of "how about instead of teaching young girls to avoid rape we should teach young boys not to be rapists", but there's a large gap between ideology and action. Sure, there's conversations you have about consent and about appropriate or inappropriate touching, and hopefully you're a brave enough parent to have them before they're required and not after it's too late. But this is an area fraught with perilous misunderstandings even for adults with considerably more experience and - we'd like to think - better judgement. It's not exactly an easy lesson to teach. When are you being permissive? When are you letting it go too far?
And stepping back from that, even our attitudes towards violence-as-a-solution have changed and evolved over our lifetime, and I'm glad for that. When I was a young man fist-fights were occasional, and the idea that "sometimes someone just needs a punch in the face" was a way of life in the neighborhood where I grew up. Nowadays, I try to shoo live bugs out of the house if I can. But teaching non-violence and non-aggression in a violence-laden culture isn't easy. Hell, I still watch MMA and play plenty of violent video games, and the kid knows it.
But for all the idealistic non-parents out there, in case you haven't figured this part out yet already, allow me to disillusion you:
Us parents... we're just winging it.
There's no training. There's instruction manual that gives you all the right directions for all the kids in all the situations. And you don't tell a child once, and they hear and follow those instructions precisely while ignoring everything they see on MTV/YouTube/etc. Rather, parents exercise judgement and do the best they can, forever trying to nudge their child in the right direction again and again, while constantly worrying their own judgement is flawed and they can't possibly be doing enough to make things turn out right.
So you live with the dread of what might be done to them, and act as judge and jury for preventing or punishing the missteps of what they might do.
When first faced with the idea of having a transgender child, my inclination was to think I was merely exchanging one set of problems for another. I thought things would be different but not harder, or at least not much.
I was wrong.
When you're dealing with a trans child, it's simply not true. As higher-than-average victims of abuse and crime, you get to have all the what might be done to fears. More, even. And with a child who is or was a young man, possibly being socialized to the pervasive "boys will be boys" mentality as they learn their way through the tweens, you also need to consider what he might do.
I want to now raise a 'proper man' - and I use the term 'man' pretty loosely these days, we know - but certainly not some idiot man-child or cock-swaggering frat boy with false notions of entitlement and a part of modern rape culture, and I have to do this without the typical benefit of an 11-year warmup. Add to all this the whole unique set of issues that comes with raising a trans teen, issues with which other parents are unfamiliar, many of which they might not even guess. Scratching your head? Here's an assortment of words just to get you started: washroom, swimsuit, sleepover, summer camp. When you think you've wrapped your head around that, head here. When you return, know you've still only just begun. It's a long road.
Just before Liza-Ann left for a short vacation, we noticed he'd become very physically affectionate with a friend of his (a lot of hugging). Discussions about consent and appropriateness were in order and were had. Then, last week, while Liza-Ann was away, he had a physical altercation at school. I immediately assumed - wrongly - that he was the victim. But then he explained he was the aggressor: he'd lost his temper and grabbed another kid by the neck and thrown him down. He knew it was wrong the moment he did it. He knew how wrong it was. He knew why. He knew to apologize. He knew he would be punished, both by the school and by his parents. He knew it was a failure in social skills. He knew there were plenty of other non-violent solutions. He knew it would come with lectures. (I held myself to two. Okay, yes, I still have a third swimming in my head.) And we both knew there was little I could say that would be enlightening, but that it wouldn't go without saying. He would endure the lectures. He would endure the punishment. He would do his best to never lose his temper in such fashion again. How much is enough punishment? How much re-affirms the gravity of the situation without being unnecessarily punitive? Everyone has a different answer, I'm sure.
He's a good kid. It's a single incident. Do you have any idea how many fistfights I was in through my youth? I am old school. I was a part of generation that considered a few fist fights a rite of passage growing up. But those video games he sees me playing? Even when you're talking cartoonish or unrealistic (zombies, etc.) ones, he still prefers "peaceful mode" whenever one is available. He's not interested in the conflict. Perhaps there's more hope for him than for me.
But this was the event that opened my eyes. This was the thing that made me accept not just different, but more, so very much more. My risk assessment list has tripled.
But don't take this as me being overwhelmed, just challenged.
All I'm saying is that I want others to understand some of the challenges one faces when you have a gender-creative child.
I will rise to this challenge, just as I rise to every other challenge life throws at me. I don't ask "why me?" I ask "why not me?" I'm a very capable person, surrounded by good friends and family. If someone is going to rise to meet these challenges, why not me? I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.
I'm a positive person. Sure, life has thrown us a curve. Yes, he had a misstep, a mistake, one of many challenges to come, no doubt.
But it was the same week THIS happened.
People think me cynical because I consider the average human being to be pretty goddamn stupid, it's true. But I'm also hopeful. Because things are getting better. Consider how far human rights has come in the last 50 years, the last 10 years, the last 5 years. Stop for a moment and consider:
Are we the generation ushering in a new era of mankind that may finally see the rise of meritocracies, a universal belief in genuine compassion, and a reverence for mindfulness? If not us, our children? Our grandchildren?
Look how far we've come. Surely, it's not that much farther.
And stepping back from that, even our attitudes towards violence-as-a-solution have changed and evolved over our lifetime, and I'm glad for that. When I was a young man fist-fights were occasional, and the idea that "sometimes someone just needs a punch in the face" was a way of life in the neighborhood where I grew up. Nowadays, I try to shoo live bugs out of the house if I can. But teaching non-violence and non-aggression in a violence-laden culture isn't easy. Hell, I still watch MMA and play plenty of violent video games, and the kid knows it.
But for all the idealistic non-parents out there, in case you haven't figured this part out yet already, allow me to disillusion you:
Us parents... we're just winging it.
There's no training. There's instruction manual that gives you all the right directions for all the kids in all the situations. And you don't tell a child once, and they hear and follow those instructions precisely while ignoring everything they see on MTV/YouTube/etc. Rather, parents exercise judgement and do the best they can, forever trying to nudge their child in the right direction again and again, while constantly worrying their own judgement is flawed and they can't possibly be doing enough to make things turn out right.
So you live with the dread of what might be done to them, and act as judge and jury for preventing or punishing the missteps of what they might do.
When first faced with the idea of having a transgender child, my inclination was to think I was merely exchanging one set of problems for another. I thought things would be different but not harder, or at least not much.
I was wrong.
When you're dealing with a trans child, it's simply not true. As higher-than-average victims of abuse and crime, you get to have all the what might be done to fears. More, even. And with a child who is or was a young man, possibly being socialized to the pervasive "boys will be boys" mentality as they learn their way through the tweens, you also need to consider what he might do.
I want to now raise a 'proper man' - and I use the term 'man' pretty loosely these days, we know - but certainly not some idiot man-child or cock-swaggering frat boy with false notions of entitlement and a part of modern rape culture, and I have to do this without the typical benefit of an 11-year warmup. Add to all this the whole unique set of issues that comes with raising a trans teen, issues with which other parents are unfamiliar, many of which they might not even guess. Scratching your head? Here's an assortment of words just to get you started: washroom, swimsuit, sleepover, summer camp. When you think you've wrapped your head around that, head here. When you return, know you've still only just begun. It's a long road.
Just before Liza-Ann left for a short vacation, we noticed he'd become very physically affectionate with a friend of his (a lot of hugging). Discussions about consent and appropriateness were in order and were had. Then, last week, while Liza-Ann was away, he had a physical altercation at school. I immediately assumed - wrongly - that he was the victim. But then he explained he was the aggressor: he'd lost his temper and grabbed another kid by the neck and thrown him down. He knew it was wrong the moment he did it. He knew how wrong it was. He knew why. He knew to apologize. He knew he would be punished, both by the school and by his parents. He knew it was a failure in social skills. He knew there were plenty of other non-violent solutions. He knew it would come with lectures. (I held myself to two. Okay, yes, I still have a third swimming in my head.) And we both knew there was little I could say that would be enlightening, but that it wouldn't go without saying. He would endure the lectures. He would endure the punishment. He would do his best to never lose his temper in such fashion again. How much is enough punishment? How much re-affirms the gravity of the situation without being unnecessarily punitive? Everyone has a different answer, I'm sure.
He's a good kid. It's a single incident. Do you have any idea how many fistfights I was in through my youth? I am old school. I was a part of generation that considered a few fist fights a rite of passage growing up. But those video games he sees me playing? Even when you're talking cartoonish or unrealistic (zombies, etc.) ones, he still prefers "peaceful mode" whenever one is available. He's not interested in the conflict. Perhaps there's more hope for him than for me.
But this was the event that opened my eyes. This was the thing that made me accept not just different, but more, so very much more. My risk assessment list has tripled.
But don't take this as me being overwhelmed, just challenged.
All I'm saying is that I want others to understand some of the challenges one faces when you have a gender-creative child.
I will rise to this challenge, just as I rise to every other challenge life throws at me. I don't ask "why me?" I ask "why not me?" I'm a very capable person, surrounded by good friends and family. If someone is going to rise to meet these challenges, why not me? I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.
I'm a positive person. Sure, life has thrown us a curve. Yes, he had a misstep, a mistake, one of many challenges to come, no doubt.
But it was the same week THIS happened.
People think me cynical because I consider the average human being to be pretty goddamn stupid, it's true. But I'm also hopeful. Because things are getting better. Consider how far human rights has come in the last 50 years, the last 10 years, the last 5 years. Stop for a moment and consider:
Are we the generation ushering in a new era of mankind that may finally see the rise of meritocracies, a universal belief in genuine compassion, and a reverence for mindfulness? If not us, our children? Our grandchildren?
Look how far we've come. Surely, it's not that much farther.
"See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me. "
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me. "
["46 & 2", Tool (covered by kids)]
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/johnlennon137162.html
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/johnlennon137162.html
