"where every future looms unsteady and unclear
I'm the sum of my fears
I'm the man of the year
I'm the man of the year"
My brother and I had a conversation a little while back in which we exchanged some ideas about what 'adulthood' is, really. One of the concepts we agreed on was the ability to sit in retrospection and see yourself not as one person, but as an evolution of various versions. The me of five years ago is not the me of today, and given a set of circumstances, the kinds of decisions today-me would make would differ greatly from mid-30s-me. Once, years ago, when I made a decision that really surprised one of my sisters, I remember thinking 'yeah, previous-me would have gone the other way'.
Sometimes when I really reflect, I can even tell you precisely what some of those differences might be. The me of today gives a lot more thought to the future, for instance, than mid-30s-me, who had no real plan for retirement and no real inclination to think about it. Today-me has a much better idea of what makes him tick, makes him happy, or stresses him in good ways or bad. There are physical differences, of course, as well. I certainly don't have the energy I did at 20 or even 30, and I've become clumsier. I often feel like my body has betrayed me that way. My brain tells my hands what to do, and they disobey. I know I know how; it's a dexterity I used to possess. It annoys me when it doesn't play out as I know it should. It is with much reluctance that I accept notions like 'I'm no longer strong enough' or 'I'm not longer coordinated enough to do this'. It's one of those aspects of getting older that seems blindingly self-evident when vocalized or written down, and yet which somehow comes as a surprise when it goes undisclosed until it occurs.
The me of today is much more acclimated to the notion of parenthood, of course, which is a feature-addition I never even anticipated prior to mid-30s-me. In fact, I think I've actually gotten pretty decent at it. Today-me has accepted the changing nature of friendship, acquaintanceship, and other relationships within the context of people growing older, sometimes apart, sometimes together. Today-me is much better at the skills required to maintain a long-term relationship (obviously), though he's also wise-enough to never rule out the role of Liza-Ann's abundant patience. Today-me sighs thinking 'why, Pat, why couldn't you have just given a straight answer, you sarcastic prick?' to himself at least twice a day, but still doesn't manage to stop the initial response from coming out. Here's hoping a future iteration has that bug fixed.
But that's not actually at the top of the feature list for next-iteration-me. I already know what the next big shift has to be: 'to be mindful without being mind-full'. I take too much work-stress home with me. It impacts too much of my home-life. Despite the fact that my conscious mind knows its relative (un)importance compared with various relationships and other activities, my solution-obsessed brain is often incapable of letting work stay at work, even when it's caught up on issues beyond my control. It's not even just work. Saturday night I realized that much of my social anxiety probably stems from the fact that I can't keep myself from mentally investing in any problem I overhear, even when it has absolutely nothing to do with me and I'm not in a position to help. The moment I spot the smallest dilemma, I'm scheming and plotting and preparing advice, even when that advice will plainly go unspoken. Can't not. Brain sees problem, brain starts working on a solution. Brain can't let go. Stupid brain.
I look forward to the various incarnations of future-me. I know what some of the future features will include. But for now, I really need to work on that big change, and we'll see what else I can squeeze in with this cycle.
Om mani padme hum.
The me of today is much more acclimated to the notion of parenthood, of course, which is a feature-addition I never even anticipated prior to mid-30s-me. In fact, I think I've actually gotten pretty decent at it. Today-me has accepted the changing nature of friendship, acquaintanceship, and other relationships within the context of people growing older, sometimes apart, sometimes together. Today-me is much better at the skills required to maintain a long-term relationship (obviously), though he's also wise-enough to never rule out the role of Liza-Ann's abundant patience. Today-me sighs thinking 'why, Pat, why couldn't you have just given a straight answer, you sarcastic prick?' to himself at least twice a day, but still doesn't manage to stop the initial response from coming out. Here's hoping a future iteration has that bug fixed.
But that's not actually at the top of the feature list for next-iteration-me. I already know what the next big shift has to be: 'to be mindful without being mind-full'. I take too much work-stress home with me. It impacts too much of my home-life. Despite the fact that my conscious mind knows its relative (un)importance compared with various relationships and other activities, my solution-obsessed brain is often incapable of letting work stay at work, even when it's caught up on issues beyond my control. It's not even just work. Saturday night I realized that much of my social anxiety probably stems from the fact that I can't keep myself from mentally investing in any problem I overhear, even when it has absolutely nothing to do with me and I'm not in a position to help. The moment I spot the smallest dilemma, I'm scheming and plotting and preparing advice, even when that advice will plainly go unspoken. Can't not. Brain sees problem, brain starts working on a solution. Brain can't let go. Stupid brain.
I look forward to the various incarnations of future-me. I know what some of the future features will include. But for now, I really need to work on that big change, and we'll see what else I can squeeze in with this cycle.
Om mani padme hum.
